I want to be ripped again. A baddass bitch who can bust out 25 burpees after a five mile run. Who can ski and paddle and bike and decide to run a 100 miles in a month for funsies. Who can do three sets of ten pushups. Who stretches and rests and revels in what her body can do, can still do. I want to…
In other news, my ex, with whom I am on good terms, has offered to buy me out of the house and I have agreed. I still live in the marital home which we jointly own and have my adult children full time with me (18 and 21 now, hard to believe). Also his mother still lives here, as does my ancient and decrepit lovely…
So what the fuck did I do? I read. Asked questions of wise people. I learned that sometimes the distance I am feeling is distance I have placed there because I was hurt. I was hurt so I shut down and backed up. So. I asked “what if everything was Ok?” “what if I already had the thing I wanted, how would I act?” I…
I think since we talked about us and that you still needed time, were clearing the rubble, I’m doubting all the things I thought were true. I don’t really know what that means. That you have unfinished feelings? That you are still raw and afraid of things going bad again? I’m afraid of not being enough. Why did you start or what did you think…
What happened recently: lost my dog. So much there to unpack. he had cancer in his neck and only showed it, started acting sick, the day after I got home from my surgery. I think sometimes, I wonder, believe that he took it for me. That he made a deal so he could take it so I could live. I miss him so much. Beginning…
My User Guide or Ways To Understand Why I Am The Way I Am I don’t know if I can adequately explain how growing up in a house with an alcoholic parent impacted me. In some ways its simple. She was emotionally unavailable, inconsistent in her attentions. One minute pouring love and affection all over me, the next cold and critical, or worse, disinterested. Me…
I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in July. Had surgery on August 5th. The surgeon got it all and my lymph nodes were clear, which means no spread. Hallelujah! This is the date my remission clock starts ticking. I am cancer free. I am the poster child for early detection.…
That’s it. Found the lump myself two months before I was due for my annual mammogram. Scared. Confused. Angry. Sure I was going to die. afraid and angry that there would be my funeral and the world would keep spinning without me. Would I lose my breasts? Who would take care of me if I got really sick? My kids? What. Am. I. Going. To…
My Own Desire The things I am hoping to create in the future. My own desire: My partner and I are driving home after Thanksgiving dinner with his family. It was a lovely dinner and the first time I had met all of his family, brothers, sisters, inlaws, nieces, nephews, friends and it felt really wonderful and rich to be there and be included and…
About the guy from the intermission. The one I broke it off with at the start of the pandemic. Yeah, we thought that was all over. Tragically, he called me a couple weeks after breaking up absolutely shit-faced and weeping. Confessing that he had lied to me the whole time we were dating because he was an alcoholic, had been through treatment and had broken…